apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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