as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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