I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
