does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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