Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
