Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
