I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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