it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
