The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
