I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
