You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
