the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize