i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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