VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
