i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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