Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
