You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
