I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
well I can't set my house on fire every night
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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