I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
