Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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