I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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