If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
