Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
