Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
