his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
They have beer where we have blood.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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