On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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