Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
