Are we in a gay sports bar?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
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I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
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The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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