yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
