Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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