I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Randomize
