I'd wear matching sweaters with you
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
