Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
