id be glad to
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
