The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
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She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
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Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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