You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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