Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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