this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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