They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
