I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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