Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
A+ Viking dick
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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