I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
