I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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