when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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