I'm going to jail i love you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
God, you're like boner-b-gone
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
