I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
