I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
