you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....