so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?