Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
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I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
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I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.