True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
