watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
