I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
