She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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